mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
