I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
