Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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