Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
i think im in europe. pls send help
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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