I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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