saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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