my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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