I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
