Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
