Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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