This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
