I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
