I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
