Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
me + whiskey = a bad person
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
