Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
