I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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