Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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