I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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