I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
