You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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