You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
