apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
