I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
