Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
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