oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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