if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Of course I have a pirate flag
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
