I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
