Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
What a dumb baby whore.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
