Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
