1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
