I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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