Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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