I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
