Who did Billy Mays play for?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
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