you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
