Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We have started to decorate penises.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
