I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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