Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
