i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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