I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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