I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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