I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
