my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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