Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
