did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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