Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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