Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Randomize
