dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
