I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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