Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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