Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
