Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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