i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
