i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
