I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
