On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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