I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
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